August 29th –69.
Today, I treated Elizah Squint Grimace. He has now lapsed into a melancholic reverie… I fear he is beyond my help… Further applications of Elixir have proved futile.
September 5th –69.
I have been dealt a guttural blow today… as I suspected, his was a contrived vexation… malingerers and hysterical subjects are an acute burden on me time after time…. I shall have no more dealings with Jasper Trounce; he is little more than mere vermin. Daubed him with Condy's Deodorant Fluid and Caustic vinegar and showed him the door.
April 8th --71. Bob Twaddle, a member of the tramp class, ill fed and generally debilitated. He will surely benefit from a poultice of goat-chode and rhubarb, followed by three weeks of regular wet cupping to the groin. Two doses of Elixir administered.
April 9th --71.
…but whence came this vulgar discharge!?
April 14th --71.
The Elixir was clearly not at fault… his ailments were far more multitudinous than even a robust subject such as he could outlive. Prognosis, therefore, was grave in the extreme.
August 15th --72.
Dr Prout and Mr. Children called again… those Jizz Weasels! Will they never understand? Yes, it is an as yet imperfectly understood mechanism, but so far, my results have been gratifying in the extreme. They will have to try harder than that if their lackluster attempts to ruin me are to come to fruition! One day they will understand.
Vesper supplemental-
Left request for collection of the physical remains with Bribe, Bribe and Frisk's Undertaker Services.
August 19th --72.
B, B & Frisk's came for the bodies… a relief indeed; the odour was becoming quite overwhelming. Winnit burgers! Heavy sweats and dry heaves for upwards of two hours.
September 20th --74.
Tristan Sandal. Diagnosis: an unmistakable forage merchant and flouncing dandy! Elixir swiftly prescribed, Sandal sent packing.
Vesper supplemental-
Washed and darned socks and unmentionables. Sorely overdue. Must attend to intimates more regularly. Especially the nails.
October 1st --74.
Felicity Splince, a girl of delicate constitution, attended my surgery with numerous cosmetic and trifling complaints. Gave her the full scalp and orbit treatment, with extensive use of the dental mechanic. Anointed with Elixir.
October 2nd --74.
I allow myself that I am a most competent observer. My zeal in the study of morbid anatomy is unrivalled, yet still unrecognised. With a prudent use of fermented liquors, the Elixir, I’m sure, is now perfected!
October 5th --74.
Tomorrow at one, the bandages are to be removed, and I shall present my perfectly redesigned and reborn Felicity Splince to the world!
Vesper supplemental-
Celebratory mood: indulged in the pleasures of the table at The Box Of Frogs. Feasted enough for two on the landlady’s beef.
October 6th --74.
Alas, the human face, once divine, is now a foul and misshapen mass. Anointed generously with Elixir, wounds redressed. An unmitigated disaster. Breathing difficult.
Vesper supplemental-
Purchased a fine elephant foot umbrella stand from the ‘Horn Of Plenty’, to spruce up the surgery.
October 7th --74.
Cost three times more to get B, B & Frisk's to collect past midnight! Outrageous, but at least I shall worry no more for Miss Splince. The air was positively clamorous with that dubious odour, so unpleasant and so readily recognisable once it has been perceived for what it is: Tuppet Spice. Satan's Funbags! I cannot begin to describe this deplorable situation in which I find myself...
October 19th --74.
My confidence has been sorely compromised. I am unsure whether I will be able to continue my good work in the foreseeable future.
September 1st --76.
Caught sight of my own sorry reflection in the lake today- my decreptitude has got out of hand. As for a mental, moral and spiritual remedy, there is little that a trip to the barbers cannot cure. Frittered a few coins away on the high street- new nail shears and two pairs of silk socks.
January 26th --77.
Mrs Dilligence Dalliance, a seemingly barren lady has sought my assistance, of which I am only too happy to avail her. Besmeared my hand with a twenty per cent elixir and linseed oil blend and massaged at length into the pelvic brim.
November 1st --79.
Autumn issue of the unrivalled pharmaceutical periodical ‘Essays On Lubrication, Leeches and Lunacy' has finally been delivered- with all the latest; the current spate of feral children; treating uncomplicated influenza; anointing the false membrane; and 'Brampton Eye', a newly discovered and little understood disease from the continent.
December 25th –79.
Our Saviour's Day, and Sir Reginald came good for me once again: an almighty jeroboam of embalming fluid and a contrastingly minuscule mummified hand, no more than 7/16ths across, possibly human. From Nurse Abalone: a fine new set of crystal pipettes and a brace of plucked pheasants. And, rather unexpectedly, one of dear Prunce's most able sketches- a landscape. The Heights of Abraham, if I am not mistaken.
February 21st --80.
This 'Brampton Eye' may well have finally reared its ugly head here in Manifold.... called to the Brownnose Institute to attend a suspected case of lingering gingivitus, only to find the wizened and shriveled remains of Professor Cecil Béchamel Peas, a man who evidently showed little enthusiasm for washing and brushing. Quite a job for B, B & Frisk’s, the corpse's desiccation being to such an extreme extent that his limbs disintegrated on touch, to the untold distress of all onlookers, especially his young fiancé, the hapless Hillary Arbuthnot Kimblegun.
Vesper supplemental-
In thanks, Miss Kimblegun made a most generous gift of a waxed truckle of Wazzock's Twice-matured Ale Cheese, which I married with a decent knuckle of pork to make an unrivalled supper.
March 7th --80.
Made house-call to Bombardier Humphrey Capillary Bracegirdle- an admirable friend of mine, suffering from a debilitating yet interesting case of acute Hobo's Elbow, albeit a case with all the associated trimmings of this 'Brampton Eye' I have read so much about. With its accompanying gland desiccation and fresh crops of nodules on all susceptible flesh, I fear this Asian contagion could have far-reaching and dire consequences if left unchecked.
Extensive wet cupping administered, followed by small regular doses of Elixir.
March 25th --80.
An Eventful Maundy. Mrs Theodora Thrust-Munch's unnecessarily harsh, self imposed Lent fasts may well have played a critical role in her succumbing to the fatal embrace of a galloping case of Brampton Eye. In all likelihood contracted from Scrunts whose feet she had been judiciously washing just that morning. When I arrived, she was but a husk, her ponderously oversize tongue protruding between her lips, dry and brown.
March 30th --80.
B, B & Frisk's will no longer have anything to do with these woefully desiccated, tainted corpses, so the final task has fallen to me. With Mrs. T-M's orifices of evacuation plugged, her mortal remains will be laid in state at St. Murgatroyd-in-the-ditch Church, Lower Snatch Snot, for four weeks, as I believe is customary in these parts.
Vesper supplemental-
Excellent news- I have managed to procure a promise of ownership of the cadaver, towards the furtherment of my medical research. The deceased's widower, the Colonel T-M alluded that it was what she would have wanted. Possibly.
April 4th --80.
Working on the Elixir again. To put pen to paper and ascertain that I am confident this time, would be hazarding more than a prudent regard for truth would justify.
April 9th --80.
Miss Constance Bintwrangler. An hysterical subject, fallen prey to what I like to call 'the Human Condition': loneliness and desperation. Suffering from little more than the aftermath of the night before, alas there is scant help I can prescribe. The elixir seems to soothe her, when administered via a drop or two of good brandy.
April 11th --80.
Guthrie Belper presented himself at my door this morning, unmistakably showing the Seven Shades of Lunacy: Indiscriminate deviant sexuality and its associated lusty ailments; superabundant pocket clutter; convulsions; prolonged profanic tirades; delusions and strangery; buttery breath; and, of course, gnawing. Elixir prescribed. I fear his brain to be infected in it's arachnoid coat
October 21st --80.
Tomorrow, Miss Hortence Palmipede is due in for exploratory surgery on her right heel. I have prepared the sharp spoon and a small bottle of the elixir. I must confess to my being nervous. This will be the first time it has passed into another's hands. My hand is forced to permit it to be self administered by the patient, for, alas; I fear her ailment colossally vexes my oversensitive olfactories.
Vesper supplemental-
Little Prunce has telegraphed me. She wishes to take tea with me tomorrow afternoon. I look forward to it with enormous relish. Must be on best behaviour.
Constance listened earnestly, finding the doctor's words compelling, yet perhaps a little too revealing. Fascinating as it was to be informed of the specifics of the fortuitous passing of her beloved Norbury's haranguing wife, she had hardly been prepared to have her own dirty laundry aired quite so openly in public. Colouring noticeably, she fanned herself vigorously with a stray pamphlet on ‘Unnecessary Autopsies’, which she had found on the doctor's preparations counter.
In her enthusiasm, Dilligence had begun pacing to and fro as she read. Absorbed in the diary’s revelations, her booted foot accidentally brushed a hulking black shape, previously concealed by the shadows in the corner of the room. From within, the gentle snick and clink of glass on glass could be heard. On closer inspection, the esteemed doctor's constant companion- his age-worn Gladstone bag- evidently contained a great many enigmatic vessels. Constance laboriously fumbled to scoop one out with her long fingers. The tiny bottle bore a neatly handwritten label, proclaiming its contents: Paunchbulb’s All-purpose Restorative Serous Elixir. Below this, a protracted list of contents, which to the untrained eye seemed, in places, both eclectically unorthodox and rather extravagant. It read-
Liquor Epispasticus; Arsenical Preparations; Formaldehyde; Grummous Water; Starling Albumen Distillate; Balsam of Peru; Poppy’s Tears; Butter of Slippery Elm; Oil of Turpentine; Twice-Fragrant Tuppet Spice; Spirit of Vitriol; Extract of Carbuncle; Chloroform; Crust of Ammonia; Gentian Root; Musk Ambergris; Strychnine; Tincture of Long Pepper; Perpendicular Spoonmeat Infusion; Ointment of Scarlet Red; Figment of Enigma; Squirrel Bile Essence; Concentrated Hallucinogenic Treacle; Aniline Purple.
On the obverse, Paunchbulb’s dubious cure-all boasted an improbably ambitious array of preposterous, spurious and possibly libelous claims-
An unrivalled treatment for.... Crippled fecundity; Exhaustion of the vital powers; Partial or semi-partial fabric spine; Irregular habits; Loose and flaccid cloaca; Acrimonious discharge; Hobo’s elbow; Persistent androgyny; The loud trouser; Metronomic beetling; Unsuitable flaps; Marital discontent; Mildewed and malodorous frog; Rigor mortis; Membranous and gelatinous envelope; Abrasive beigeness; Mental duality; Aggravated tuppence; Worms in the eye; Dangling Plumbago; The waning of sexual life; Unsightly lobes; Carolgees disease; Unexpected ravages; Whispering parasites; Spontaneous human combustion; Blebs. May also be used as an antidote to atheism.
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